Going going gone

I have been absent from my blog for quite a while.. and in my last post I had promised I would try to write every single day..capturing moments and all that stuff.. but then a cascade of shitty things happened and it kept unfolding to this day..

Some days were better than others.. Yet.. It constantly feels like I see myself drowning. I thought I had someone to pull me up or at the very least pretend to do so.. guess it is just an illusion my brain conjured as a defence mechanism to make me feel better..or worse.. still cannot figure it out

Nothing tragic happened to me..not in the past couple of months anyway.. little things amount to a huge pile and there is only so much that one can carry around..

I have a heavy heart..always had.yet these days it feels like it will burst. I am to blame for it because I was stupid and imbecile to let the walls down, trust, believe and love wholeheartedly ! When a person has gone through a lot of pain, they become accustomed to it and very oblivious to others pain.. because they have suffered so much, it is impossible to believe that another person could suffer just as much in a different scenario.. I get very oblivious to people who I assume have perfect lives and get hurt by little things.. I resent every single person who has both loving and present parents, who is in a financially stable home and who has everything that their heart ever desired handed to them on a silver platter and yet they find something to be ungrateful about.. I never realised how it felt when someone was indifferent to your pain until I had it happen to me.. It simply emphasised my bitterness, added more bricks to my wall and weakened my spirits. 

Anyway.. for the past couple of months I have been feeling really down, shitty and depressed.. When I tried to talk about it to someone who i thought was special..I either never got the chance to or I was told off or I got reactions where they would roll their eyes to the ceiling.. So I just keep everything t myself. That is a dangerous things to do and comes at a very expensive price because that frustration comes out in other forms.. Anyway, it is very wrong to keep expectations or seemingly these days to want love or to miss the person you love.. What hurts more is not being able to say it without being bitter or holding grudges..

I am so far gone on my bitterness and resentment scale.. there is no going back..

There is light at the end of the tunnel..but they is none underground

Penning off...

It is a harsh world ! 

BusLAdy