I have been thinking a lot these days - pretty much the only exercise to my brain actually and I have come to realise that I do not really like people all that much anymore. Not sure if I am selfish, spiteful and simply careless or because I cannot stand the stupidity of most of humans these days. Not talking about IQ here..just you know..generally... OR maybe this is some sort of phase..
Long ago I used to be popular and I loved it. I enjoyed having a ton of friends and the more people talked to me, the better I used to feel about myself. Going out with friends, engaging in meaningless conversations, making fun of everything, trying to impress others - sort of like making a place for myself and fitting in - these pretty much defined me.
To be very honest, I even used to feel somewhat superior to others. Very shitty logic - I know. When people craved my attention or when I was the topic of conversations, I used to love it. I felt strangely powerful. It was only temporary though. Maintaining that image required too much effort - the more you gave, in terms of time and energy, the more you had to keep giving. The only thing I used to receive in return was a slight boost in self esteem for a short period of time and them pouff...gone. The whole facade became my life very quickly. I would get very defensive and territorial when anyone would try and take that away from me - be it my mother preventing me from attending a party or anyone doing better than me out there. I used to believe that my popularity was all that mattered.
Since I was a child I got into the habit of telling people what was 'nice' to hear and stuff that would get me their 'approval' and 'recognition'. Not that I am a polite, gentle person - I can be so mean and tactless - I could easily play one of the mean girls. I did not bully though..Instead I would devote my time and energy to stuff that did not matter - instead of studying I would focus on other activities - mainly those that involved grabbing the attention of other people. I worked hard to be the shallowest version of myself - thinking that I was portraying a strong, invincible person. In reality, I was consistently screwing up everything that would eventually make me strong and invincible. Plus, I am the kind of person who, unless realises things by herself, will have a very hard time abiding or listening to advice. I try to..but really until it makes sense in my head - it does not make sense (if that whole sentence made sense XD). I genuinely feel so bad when I am told that I am wrong because I would like to do the right thing. Just can't seem to get the formula right.
Truth is I never really quite 'fitted' anywhere - I lied my way through and usually found myself saying stuff that I genuinely did not believe in. It was as if I was watching myself enacting some part of a theatre play or something. I really did not like getting into conversations where I would feel vulnerable - especially with people who do not give a damn - just curious.
Anyway, the point is.. none of those things matter anymore. I feel good not having to talk to people - even those I considered my friends. There are fragments of friendship that remain - but there are truly very few I would like to keep. Some I am eager to let go of. Even family members - I just do not get it. I feel like it is so fake - everyone pretending like they care and talking talking talking talking talking - giving endless advice.. THEN in time of need... talkers disappear. Also, There is no way that they accept you for who you are - there are a set of pre conceived notions as to how you are supposed to be - what you are supposed to do blablablablablablabla. So many bloody expectations. I know one should just do their thing and not care about what others say - but really...could others stop shoving their faces into people's business? get a life. Seriously. Live and let live - that is the motto we should all be living by.
Maybe this is a phase I am going through... or a phase that everyone goes through. I just feel so angry at the world.. too much oppression. There may be no guns around here but people can speak daggers and poniards ! Probably this is what adulthood feels like? Wanting to run away ? It gets too much some times - I just want it to stop - I have been wanting that for quite a while actually. Feeling demotivated -disgusted - discouraged - not much to go on. It comes in waves - there are days where I am more patient than others - and days like today where I wish I could cease to exist. It would not matter to most people - I know it would shatter some though.
Anyhow, I have no idea why I felt the need to write all this on my blog. I hope in a few months I laugh my ass off when I read this post again. I really wish I am not feeling the exact same way in the future.
Byebye
BusLady
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